Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Confessions of a Stay At Home Mama

     Sometimes, more often than not actually, I feel like a total failure. A failure as a mom, a failure as a wife, a failure on my weight loss journey. The list goes on and on. 

     I feel like since I'm home all day that my house should be much cleaner. And I try. Lord knows I try. But it seems that at this stage in life, with a teenager, a Pre teen, and a toddler in my house, it just can't happen workout me losing every shred of sanity that I have left. And many people are quick to point out that I have 2 children that are more than old enough to help out. And you have a point there. But between their crazy school workload, and sports, sometimes it's just not worth the fight. The only time I get to clean without my little tornados coming behind me and tearing apart my progress, is after they have all gone to bed. I feel like I've failed in providing my family adequate space to come together as a family. Tonight, my youngest kiddies ate dinner on the kitchen floor while I stood at the counter eating, because my mom was at the table in the dining room doing her school work and didn't want to be disturbed. And I didn't feel like it was my place to ask her to move. What kind of mom lets her children eat on the kitchen floor? Me, I guess. 

     Normally I wake up extra early to make breakfast for the hubby before he goes off to work for the day. But lately, between my insomnia acting up and staying up too late, 5:00 am has come and gone with me still in bed, pulling the covers over my head. Our bedroom is also trashed, which really sucks because the bedroom is supposed to be a couples sanctuary. Ours is most definitely not. 

     And don't even get me started on my weight loss journey. Some days come and go and I realize while cooking dinner that I haven't eaten yet. Or haven't eaten enough. Which, as I'm well aware of, is awful for my metabolism. Most weeks as of late, paychecks have been pretty low, meaning that I can't afford the clean foods that I should be buying. I rarely have the energy to get in my workouts. (Thank God for quick circuit workouts, cuz that's about all I have in me to do.) 

     I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best that I can do under the circumstances that I'm in. That no matter how much I do, or don't do, I love my family. And that is what is most important, right? 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Adventures In Roller Derby

Psssst... Can I tell you a secret?

Come closer...

A little closer...

For as long as I can remember, I've loved roller derby. In fact, like many others, I loved it so much that I wanted to be a roller derby girl myself. *insert sad violin music here* Sadly, I never knew there were local teams. And by the time I found some that were fairly local, I had already had kiddies, was quite a bit older, and was overweight. *ok, you can stop the music now*

Last year, I found a very local team and was SO excited. I was determined that I was going to join. But there was a little voice inside my head. You know that voice, the one that tells you that you can't do something. That you won't be good enough. The one that plays out all the what if's in your head trying to discourage you? Yup, That's the one. It kept telling me that now was not the time. I needed to lose weight first. So I didn't do it.

But recently, I was in contact with one of the awesome broads from the team and she asked if I was still interested in joining.. HELL YES, I AM!! But once again, that stupid little voice started in on me again. But this time, I ignored it. I just knew if I kept waiting til I lost the weight, it would never happen. And hell, this could be an amazing form of exercise to help with losing the weight, too. So, I checked out a practice and just knew that this was for me.

 Tonight was my very first practice. Mind you, I have not been on skates in a good 17 years, and never as a... ummm... big girl. I was terrified. Not of falling, but of failing. Of not being able to do this. But I laced up and got out there anyways. I was super slow (seriously, so slow that in the entire practice I only completed 2 whole laps, while hugging the wall.) I stumbled A LOT, but only fell once. It was a pretty awesome fall, tho. My feet flew out from under me and up up up they went, and down down down I went. I basically belly flopped but on my back. And that was the one fall I was most terrified of taking. But as soon as I fell, I was so relieved to get it out of the way that I burst into laughter before exclaiming "Now how the hell do I get back up?!?"  I got back up and went again.

getting started in roller derby

And with that, Syd Vicious, #10, of the Vindicated Vixens was born.

This is definitely going to take a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of determination, but I will do this! And I'll be writing about my progress along the way. Here goes nothing!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Together We Stand

      When I was younger, I never understood how so many people of the older generations would say that they remember exactly where they were and what they were doing at the moment when President Kennedy was shot... That is, until that day.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Beware, the ignorance is strong with this one.

I was scrolling down my facebook news feed and happened upon a picture. I continued to scroll, but something about this picture caught my eye. I scrolled back. My friends, what you are about to see here cannot be unseen. The sheer stupidity and ignorance will forever be "tattooed" on your brain. This is what I saw:
"This simply cannot be real" I thought to myself. No way is someone truly this ignorant in 2014.  I click on the page... My heart dropped. Yup, it's completely real. Scrolling through post after post (cuz I guess I'm a masochist like that) I was appalled at the astounding level of hate in her heart. Of her complete and utter ignorance. I'll admit, it made me angry. It made me very angry. But more than anything else, my soul is sad for her. 

Now, if you know me, you'll know that I've never been much for keeping my mouth shut when I think something is wrong, or when I feel wrongly attacked. With that being said...

Dear Ms Anti-Tattoo Hate Monger,

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Struggling to wake up early?

I sure was! I am very much a night owl, and have been for as long as I can remember. As a teen, I'd stay up till the wee hours of the morning, drawing, writing, listening to music, and sneaking the phone into my room so I could talk to my boyfriend all night. Lol Needless to say, this stuck with me over the years.
As an adult, wife, and mama, the struggle remained. Only now, I *couldn't* sleep, so I busied myself til the wee hours of the morning, baking, cleaning, doing laundry, feeding babies.... etc. Or just sitting there doing nothing but enjoying the silence, because let's face it, with a 15 year old, 10 year old, 2 year old, and 4 dogs in my house silence is GOLDEN. Unless they're awake, then someone is doing something they shouldn't be doing. Anyways, each night, I'd:

Monday, September 8, 2014

Confessions Of A Stay At Home Mama #4:

When I make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I still draw hearts in the peanut butter before I put the two pieces of bread together. I do this for my 2 year old, my 10 year old, my 15 year old, and my hubby. They never know it's there, (probably a good thing, because I'm sure my teen would think I'm lame... oh wait, he already does! We're clear, folks. Bahaha) but I know it's there. It's just my little way of sending a bit of extra love along with them.
It's ok, you can laugh at me now.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Negative "Encouragement"

Leave it at home. Or better yet, don't use it at all!
Sitting at my daughter's soccer game this afternoon, above the noise of the game, my ears were bombarded by yelling. Not by kids, but by their parents.
"YEEEAH!! That's it!! Way to GO!"
"GREAT JOB! There ya go!"
"Ohhhh, that's ok! Good try!"
I'll be honest, I'm not much of a yeller at my kiddies' games. I support them with my presence there. I'll clap of course, and when they look my way, I'll give a thumbs up and a smile. But the above are things I love to hear coming from other parents. It's positive encouragement and it is a wonderful thing.
But more and more, what I've been hearing, (especially today) are things like this:
"Stay on your side!!!" (To his own son) "Hey Ref! Maybe you should show him the line so he doesn't screw it up again!"
"Are you BLIND? You could've had that! " (another guy to his own son)
"Oh come on! If you would've kicked it HARDER you would've made a goal. Ugggghhh!! Get your head in the game!" (A woman to her own daughter)
"Stop being a baby and GET AGGRESSIVE!!!" (A woman to her own daughter. This is same mom that was screaming at her young son that he was playing with his friend too aggressive just moments ago. And then she smacked him in front of everyone. He was just being a little boy. But that's a whole nother story)
How does this help our children? What does this teach them?? As far as I'm concerned,

Friday, September 5, 2014

Confessions Of A Stay At Home Mama #3

Even tho I am a stay at home mama and housewife, I STILL don't get everything done.

It seems to be a common misconception that just because you stay at home, that means that your house should always be immaculate. But mine isn't. And as long as I have kids in the house, it probably never will be. Now, I have friends who are able to pull this off, and seriously, my hat goes off to them. But I've never been able to pull that off. Such is life. And I'm OK with that.

The dishes piled up in my sink are a reminder that my husband and kiddies and I have nice full bellies. The ever growing piles of laundry are evidence that we are far more blessed than we probably even realize. The toys scattered all over the floor are evidence that FUN was had. These messes are evidence that we don't just STAY here, we LIVE here. We laugh here. We cry here. And we make messes here.

Since I'm being so honest here, I will say that sometimes I struggle with the mess.  Not so much the mess, more so the fact that everyone just assumes it's my job to clean it all up. Cuz ya know, I'm mom and that makes me the Keeper of Messes. It's not fair! Woe is me!! NOT! It's so easy to get a grumpy attitude because it's all left for me to do, but ya know what? Each mundane task is an opportunity to BLESS my family. Each meal I cook, serve, and clean up... Each load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away.... these are all labors of LOVE. And nothing says I love you like having a drawer full of clean underoos. You can take that to the bank.

And while I may still grumble sometimes because I'm tired or sick and the house is trashed and the cleaning fairies have long since deserted me, I still catch myself smiling. I smile because these tasks are just one of the many ways of expressing my love and gratitude for all that I have. For all I have been blessed with. And I truly am thankful.

So keep those dishes coming.

Wait, can we at least get a dishwasher first, tho?