It's 12:30 pm on Mother's Day and I'm sitting in a grocery store parking lot crying. Why? I simply came here to buy a Birthday cake for my youngest because it's my baby girl's 3rd birthday and I didn't have the joy in me needed to make a cake.
So I ran here real quick to get a cake. And as I'm pulling in, I'm seeing person after person walking out of the store with presents for the mamas in their lives. Beautiful bouquets of flowers, boxes of candy, balloons, baskets, etc. For a brief few moments I'm completely in awe of these people and their moms. How truly special their moms must be to rouse their children from bed to go pick out something special to honor them and show appreciation. How truly amazing that must feel...
Mother's Day only makes me sad. It makes me question what kind of wife and mom I am. Because surely if I was a special mom, a GOOD mom, I would be shown a tiny bit of appreciation today, right? My family would WANT to make me feel special.
Surely I wouldn't have been woken up by my kids fighting, to have to go downstairs and wash the dishes that I didn't do last night because when I got home I had a screaming headache and went to bed. I wouldn't have had to dry the dishes and start cooking breakfast. And I wouldn't be sitting in this parking lot, bawling my eyes out, for the second year in a row. No, instead, I'd be smelling a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and reading a heartfelt card and getting hugs from my babies. Even homemade cards. "Happy Mother's Day" literally scribbled on a napkin. I'd treasure it forever.
How awful of a mommy must I be to have only 1 of my 3 kids tell me "Happy Mother's Day". To barely be acknowledged. Do I not clean enough? Do my home cooked meals not please their palates enough? Do the hearts I draw in the peanut butter of every single peanut butter and jelly sandwich I make them not make it taste better? Do my daily and nightly prayers over them go unheard? Do my "I love you's" fall on deaf ears? Do I not take them everywhere they need to go in a quick enough fashion?
All I know is that this "special" day serves to make me feel like total shit every year. Now, you may be thinking I'm just being a cry baby. And maybe you're right. But all I know is that when you give your all every single day of your life, and you're never shown appreciation for anything you do, hoping with all your heart for ONE special day isn't asking for much.
I truly hope that ALL mamas have a wonderful day full of love and appreciation. Because I'm going to live vicariously through you for today. My goal is simply to get through the day without letting them see my cry because I don't want them to feel bad. Tho I'm sure that by the time I get back home from my almost 2 hour trek to the store, they'll have realized what's going on, that they screwed up, and the hubster will probably have ran out to the nearest store to get me something to try and make up for it. It's the thought that counts, but what does that thought mean if it's only an afterthought? :(
Sending everyone so much love and light.